September 09, 2004

good friend vs. bad friend

My fabulous friend Becky and I were recently discussing whether or not someone can be a "shitty" friend.  I'm familiar with the feeling of disappointment in myself when I know I haven't always been there for a friend, and I know how I feel when one of my friends doesn't listen to me when I really need someone to be there.  Unfortunately I used to use the lack of "being there" as a way to judge the people I claimed to value so much.  Back to the topic at hand, Becky and I both concluded that our discussion should become a blog. (sans personal information that no one really needs to know)
 
I've mentioned before that I like to read philosophy.  In one of my books the author was discussing how we can determine if a friend is good or bad.  I'd never really considered how I decided someone was a bad friend.  I just knew that sometimes my friends' actions would make me angry and hurt, therefore they were "bad friends".  After considering the arguments and discussion contained in the book, this is what I've concluded.  Fortunately it's changed my whole outlook on my relationships with friends and I can now appreciate them much more than I ever did before. 
 
First, people can't expect others to be perfect - not in life, not in relationships, and certainly not in intentions.  I know I've said things about a few of my coworkers and friends that I haven't been too comfortable with afterwards.  If they knew about it, they'd be really hurt.  I'm not perfect - far from it.  I just try my best and remind myself that sometimes I just need to shut up and really listen to what someone is trying to tell me, other times I need to be more understanding of others' perceptions of what a "problem" is, and occasionally people just need to vent without fear of judgment, reprisal, or receiving advice (even though I may be biting my tongue in order to stay silent).  In all honesty, I wouldn't want a perfect friend because their perfection would make my faults more apparent and I would feel inferior.  People are human, and that's the only kind of friend I want.
 
Second, I can't define "good/bad friend" by my own standard of how a friend should act.  Everyone has different values, principles, and lifestyles.  Everyone has to live their own life with time constraints, job demands, and a need for downtime to preserve their sanity.  I know I could maintain better contact with some of the people I refer to as friends, and I know that if I did do better they could, and probably would, end up on my "top 7" list.  But the fact is I don't have the time to work on all of my friendships to make them of that quality, not when everyone is spread all over the State of Iowa (and of course Arizona), and especially when it's difficult to get responses from them.  Reciprocity is a big thing for me.  I have difficulties accepting one-sided friendships because I feel like I'm beating my head against the wall with all my efforts and getting nothing in return.  That's when I stop sending phone calls/emails on a regular basis and eventually we drift apart with only an occasional brief message to indicate we're still alive.  Despite all of that, I no longer necessarily consider them to be a bad friend per se.  I consider them to be a great memory and hopefully one day they'll be in my life again.  Until that time, I'll wait patiently (fighting disappointment) and send that occasional message to let them know that I'm still here.  When they're ready, they'll answer. 
 
This isn't to say that I don't judge my friends because I do, but only when their actions are extremely different from my values and principles.  For example, I had a classmate from high school whom I thought was a good friend, but then this person started accusing my siblings of horrible things and also began spreading rumors about my family around town.  I confronted this person and disputed all that was being said with facts, but was told that I was "too close to the situation and didn't know what I was talking about".  We haven't spoken to each other since that day and I still get angry when I think about it.  A small town thrives on gossip, and facts just aren't as interesting as what they could make up.  I have judged this friend to be a bad friend because my trust and faith in their integrity was broken.  I don't think it can ever be regained. 
 
So these are my thoughts which Becky thought made a whole lot of sense.  Now I'm sharing them with everyone else.   ~ Sonya

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