In search of purpose...

I called my best friend today and left a voicemail for her requesting that she check into the possibility of me job shadowing her for a day. I've always known that I would not want to stay in a secretarial job forever and with all the crap that's been going on in my office for the past four years..well, I've had enough. They say it'll get better, but it doesn't. Secretarial staff continue to be treated like shit and that treatment is starting to spread into the lower administrative staff.

I've given many reasons for wanting to leave, including returning to graduate school, a promotion, something less stressful, something more challenging, something to better utilize my skills, blah blah blah. I haven't left yet because I truly don't know what I want to do next. Despite the skills gained over the past six years of working, I'm still stuck on the same precipice that I arrived at following college graduation. After my best friend returned my call to tell me the bad news that job shadowing wouldn't be possible due to client confidentiality issues (a fact that only occurred to me after I had left the voicemail), I tried to gauge my reaction. What was I feeling? I was disappointed, naturally, but I wasn't upset. Being a state employee I know all about those confidentiality statements we must enforce. Throughout the drive home after work, I tried to get to the root of the problem, contemplating what it was about my job that was no longer appealing to me. It finally struck..the proverbial light bulb...I have no purpose. Only a few things that I do for my job gives me a sense of purpose. The rest is just filler. I am restless and craving something different because I am searching for a purpose, something that I can do to be of value to society, to give of myself to the community. My current job rarely gives me that and the fissure that has resulted cannot be mended. There has been too many empty promises in my workplace and too many hurts for me to trust or desire to work there anymore.

This is why I want to leave, why I must leave...I don't want to feel empty anymore. I want to be filled with enthusiasm, passion and conviction for what I'm doing in life. It means more to me than money. I may have to take a pay cut but...sacrifices are sometimes necessary in pursuit of something that you deem valuable enough. For now, the biggest step will be to start looking...