Disturbed...

So I'm disturbed and angry. I've spoken before about good friends vs. bad friends and my theory on that. I may say I try to be understanding but I can't help but be angry at times. I just learned that my life-long friend (who never responds to my calls, emails or letters anymore) got engaged "awhile back". I haven't spoken to her since June. I didn't even know this guy she was dating as she seemed to be dating a lot of people that I could never keep track of. I heard about her latest from her mother. How did I hear about her engagement? Her mother emailed my mother (our parents are friends so we've known each other since birth). We've always been really good friends, even when my family moved to another county and we went to different schools. We were roommates in college for over five years. When her brother died last May in a car accident, I spent the last of my accrued vacation time to stay with her and her family in the SICU as they waited for the doctors to declare him brain dead. I was devastated too because I'd watched him grow up with my brother. I've stood by her so many times and yet she's never had the consideration to listen to me when I need to talk because she's on the way to the bar, or she has to prepare for a court case..etc etc. It's a real blow to learn that she was unable to call me to say "I'm engaged!" after all we've been through together. Okay, I'm not just angry, I'm hurt. I can admit it.

She's apparently coming home for Christmas but I refuse to make plans with her. I did that last year and she canceled on me after I had rearranged my entire week to accommodate all of our family obligations. I don't know what to do anymore. I suppose I can say I've given up on maintaining our friendship, but it's difficult to do that when you've known them all of your life. I keep giving her chances when I say I'm done. I feel like a dog who's sporadically given a bone and therefore is ecstatiscally happy for the time it's receiving attention. It disgusts me.

So here I sit (determined not to let myself become more teary than I already am) angry, hurt, and disgusted for letting myself care when she obviously doesn't. *sigh*