Dear Dogs & Cats....(your Sunday funny)

Dear Dogs and Cats,

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food.
The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a
paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for
it, becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically
pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a
racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me
doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very
sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to
ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when
they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other
stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking
tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to
maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the
bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door
shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or
get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit
through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom
for years-canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or
cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!

To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following
message on our front door:

Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About Our Pets:

1. They live here. You don't.

2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the
furniture.(That's why they call it "fur"niture.)

3. I like my pets a lot better than most people.

4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted
son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak
clearly. Dogs and cats are better than kids ...they eat less, don't ask
for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called,
never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't
smoke or drink, don't worry about having to buy the latest fashions,
don't wear your clothes, and don't need a gazillion dollars for college
- and if they get pregnant, you can sell the children.