Family: A clarification...

It has occurred to me, given questions directed towards me over the Christmas holiday, that I should clarify something with regards to my maternal grandparents (see previous post on Family). For one, I didn't realize that it would be unclear what tone of voice I was using on that blog post. While some may interpret it as emotional upset, in reality it was absolute fury that drove me to write that. I normally wouldn't write about family members in that fashion but "the last straw" broke my reticence and thus the post came out. I can't be sorry about it because it was a wonderful purging of anger that had been building for more than a decade. Although I regret the words and the hurt they could cause should they be read by the persons I'm criticizing, the truth sometimes does hurt. I believe actions have consequences and thus my grandparents have no one to blame but themselves for the attitudes I'm expressing here.

Secondly, I long ago came to terms with the lack of involvement of my grandparents in our lives. My grandfather wasn't like that until just this year and I imagine his actions are based upon a desire to avoid conflict with my grandmother. Reasoning why he allowed her dictates to alienate him from his children and grandchildren at a family holiday gathering, however, is not enough to ease my anger. He abandoned his children, who went to a lot of effort to spend some time with him, in order to eat pizza down the street at a gas station while everyone else was eating turkey & the trimmings! There is no justification for that. It's almost worse than my grandmother's flight back to Oklahoma upon learning about the planned family meal. Apparently she didn't really mean it when she complained about never getting to see her family...it was all lip service, hot air, yadda yadda.

Anyhow, these games and machinations have been going on since I was a teenager. It used to bother me that I never saw them and I saw it as a personal insult or lack in my life, but time and perspective have allowed me to see how rich my life is without them (not because they aren't there but simply because I already have a lot for which to be grateful). They could choose to play a more active role in their children and grandchildren's lives and make it even richer, but they don't. That is their choice and I cannot change that. I have learned to let go of the things that I cannot change.

The fury that prompted my post wasn't on my own behalf but on my mother's. She was very much looking forward to spending time with her father and siblings as a family, despite my grandmother's absence. Although she hid it and said she still enjoyed spending time with her siblings and other family members, I know she was disappointed in her parents' actions. The most telling statement though was the decision by the siblings to never again have a "family dinner". If they get together, they say they'll now just order pizza. Idiocy, like my grandparents' behavior in this mess, should be a crime.